“Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place”
- Zora Neale Hurston
Exploring the intersection of life and literature to understand how our life experiences influence what we read and how what we read influences our lives.
"We're all a little weird, and life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it LOVE." — Dr. Seuss
Love is often the most complicated emotional aspect of our lives. Cultural influences lead us to believe that love is primarily physical - having a great body, physical attraction, lots of sex, and whatever other ideas Hollywood promotes. Even books are guilty of this - Romance and BookTok’s “porn-lite” genres are top sellers. This confuses lust for love.
Love shows up in the daily grind when things are great and when things are ugly. It doesn’t seek our fulfillment but instead puts someone else before us, placing another individual’s needs ahead of our own. It is a daily effort that requires real work. Our consumerist society would have us believe that all of this can be distilled into flowers, chocolates, balloons, and fancy dinners one day each year.
Love is complex. The Greek language has seven words for love to highlight its many diverse facets.
Eros - romantic, passionate love
Philia - intimate, authentic friendship
Ludus - playful, flirtatious
Storge - unconditional, familial love
Philautia - self-love
Pragma - committed, companionate love
Agape - empathetic, universal love
“Real love — this kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth.” - Gary Chapman
A few years ago, Jannett and I had the opportunity to meet Gary Chapman and listen to him give a presentation on his book, The Five Love Languages. First published in 1992 and focused on romantic partners, this book went on to spend 297 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list. Over the intervening 30 years, numerous versions of the book have been published to expand its focus to children, friendships, and family.
Chapman’s philosophy is that each person has a primary love language and sometimes a secondary one. These love languages fall into the following categories:
Physical touch - feels love through physical contact (not necessarily sexual)
Words of Affirmation - feels love through words or compliments
Quality Time - feels love through spending time together
Receiving Gifts - feels love when given something tangible
Acts of Service - feels love when someone does something for them
You can read more about the details of each love language and even take a test to see your love language at the website The Five Love Languages. This picture shows each love language in a simple, understandable way.
My primary love language is Words of Affirmation. One common mistake individuals make is trying to show others love using their love language instead of the recipient’s love language. If I use words to tell my wife and children that I love them, they will appreciate it, but it won’t speak to them like it does to me. This is because they each have different love languages. Jannett’s love language is Acts of Service. She feels loved and appreciated when I help with tasks or activities she is usually responsible for. David’s love language is Quality Time, so for him, we must do things together, such as talking, watching a movie, playing a game, etc…. Anamaria feels loved when she receives gifts, so I look for opportunities to get her small gifts now and then. It was appropriate when she gave me a Christmas candle with a label stating, “Dad, I will always be your little girl financial burden.”
"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get–only with what you are expecting to give–which is everything." –Katharine Hepburn
Over the holidays, Jannett had a major surgery. It was planned, so we were prepared. However, it was still a massive shift in the usual routine of our lives as she could not do many of her normal daily activities on her own. Fortunately, she could take time off from her work at the elementary school, and my boss allowed me to work from home. I knew this would be challenging because I am not the best nurse, and Jannett is not the best patient. I was also keenly aware that this was an opportunity to show Jannett how much she means to me through her love language of Acts of Service. For a couple of weeks, I was responsible for preparing all the meals, doing all the laundry, cleaning the house, helping Jannett shower, ensuring her meds were taken on time, helping her dress, etc.… I admit it was not always easy. There were times when I needed a break. But whenever I went in to help her, take a meal, or be there for her, I did it wholeheartedly to serve her and meet her needs. None of this was sexy or glamorous. But I gave what I had to offer when my wife needed it. For her part, Jannett was appreciative and gracious. She continually told me how much she appreciated everything and was thankful for my help. Her words affirmed me and made me feel that my love for her was reciprocated.
This Valentine’s Day will likely not have big flowers, balloons, or chocolates. But it will have lots of love, like every day in our home. Showing up daily with patience, kindness, trust, and hope ensures that love perseveres.
I thought I would share my Reading and Writing Spotify playlist for those who are interested. Hope you enjoy.
Until next time…
This past week, I enjoyed reading:
- is a fantastic writer. Check out her latest serialized work In Judgement of Others.
- provides tremendous value to her subscribers. Here is her most recent article on The Matterhorn.
- gives us a phenomenal overview of the life and work of Joan Didion.
Matthew, this was great, and it sparked an engaging conversation between my wife and me. We enjoyed talking about which of the love languages we each appreciate the most. Thanks for this!
How interesting! I took the test and, no surprise to me, I’m “Words of Affirmation”. That has been my language since I was a child. My husband took it and his is “Physical Touch”. What’s interesting is that I thought his would be Words of Affirmation. I’m always complimenting him on all tasks he does around the house, his work, his appearance, etc. I seemed to have been under the misconception that this was his love language since it was mine. Now I know! Much more snuggling coming his way lol. Thanks for a very interesting piece this morning, Matthew!