Thank you for sharing your experiences. I think it's a beautiful piece of writing that captures the srruggle tobe vulnerable, and I hope you find it helpful to share your experience more widely.
Matthew, I am glad to be your friend and hope you’re feeling lighter after sharing this truth-telling essay with your readers. The mental health benefits of unburdening yourself through writing have inspired a fascinating book by psychologist James Pennebaker. His research shows that people who write about their trauma fare better than those who keep it themselves. Published in 1997, the book is a classic and a wellspring for all writers carrying a painful secret. You’ll probably want your own copy, or you can read it free at the Internet Archive. https://archive.org/details/openinguphealing00penn
Rona, thank you so much. It has been a roller coaster of emotions throughout the day. I thought I was prepared, but life surprises us. It has been a good day, though, and I am grateful for my family and friends. I will definitely check out that book. Thanks for the recommendation.
Thank you. For the courage to write this and be here in this moment, today, with all of us. You are a survivor and now passing on your healing work. I’m not surprised that we connected as we have so much in common. I too, told my story publicly , which overlaps so much with yours, through art and writing. Like you, I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor.
Last night my husband said in testimony to dysfunction, abuse, and addiction indirectly impacting our life- “When the pain of denial outweighs the pain of the truth,people will change.”
And these words from your essay really jumped out at me-
“Something based on so many hidden truths can not possibly survive.”
Years before finally confronting my own abuse and toxic familial history/patterns I cut a Pearl Jam quote out of a magazine that read “Those who forget, will be destined to remember.”
Charlene, I so appreciate your kind words and the connection we have made. This life of ours is an interesting journey. Today has been an emotional day but a good one as well. Thanks again and all the best.
My heart goes out to you, Matthew. As I read your beautifully written piece, I wanted to dive in and take young Matthew back home, to safety. You suffered this path alone for so long. I’m so pleased you finally told your lovely wife and family and also started the process of getting professional help. Your essay so poignantly relates how, as is often the case, you had to reach a crisis point for this to occur.
We have our strong sides and our vulnerable sides. I feel that your strong side will now let your vulnerable side slowly develop and allow you to experience the full richness of life. We are all here for you, as you continue this special journey.
Maureen, thank you so very much for the kindness and support you have shown me. Because of people like yourself, I reached a point in my journey where I felt comfortable sharing my story. We can not travel life alone easily. It is much better to have good people at your side.
Thank you for sharing your story, Matthew. It takes so much courage. I’m happy for you that your healing has progressed far enough that you can tell us. I was also sexually abused, by my stepfather and stepbrother, and my mind hid the memories from me for a long time. But I always knew that something wasn’t right inside. I was ashamed and I didn’t know why. Since the truth emerged, I’ve been on a healing journey too. It’s not over and I feel like I’ll always be dealing with it to a degree. But it no longer defines me, and I no longer feel ashamed. As I realised that the shame is not mine to carry. I send love and light to you and your family as you process this together 💙
Thanks Amanda for reading and understanding the journey I am on. It will be a process for my whole life but I don't think that is a bad thing. I am looking forward to the continual self-discovery that I have set for my course. All the best.
Thank you for your bravery and your vulnerability Matthew. I’m sorry you carried this on your own for so long — the work of healing is a journey and much better to do it with company. ❤️
My word, Matt, this is mighty powerful. What an incredible journey to reach this point where the words are able to flow - so beautifully written about something so personal - and for them to be a part of the healing. Reading - and writing - is a way for all of us to learn, a chance to walk in other people’s shoes. This is the most important learning and I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to better understand the world - your world - through your eyes.
Barrie, my friend, thank you for the continual encouragement to share myself. It has been an amazing year since I started writing here and in my journals. I was at an inflection point where it was necessary to take the next bold step in order to keep growing and healing. So here I am. Thanks for being here with me and walking the journey with me for a little while.
Thank you for sharing some so personal and vulnerable with this community (who is fully supportive). You had alluded to trauma in some of your earlier posts and I speculated it was something like this. So sorry you had to experience this and how it impacted your life. But courage finds a way forward and I know you have enough to keep going and thrive.
Karen, thanks for reading and walking along with me on this journey. It is a supportive and wonderful community which has enabled me to feel comfortable letting my guard down. All the best, Matthew
Thank you. Today at 5:30 a.m., I was making the coffee. I had awakened, as I have done more than once, thinking about my relationship with my deceased mother. She had a quirk that I have never gotten over. If she knew I wanted something from my Grandmother’s history, she made sure I didn’t get it. I will never know why, and it will never matter that I don’t know, except that it does. One last indignity has bothered me then, and haunts me now. My mother called one day and asked me if there were any photos that I wanted from the Victorian album she was about to pass on to my sister. I should have known better, but I said yes, and described them to her. That was that, I didn’t think about it again until after she had died. Going through the album with my sister, I found that every one of the photos that I had told my mother about had been ripped from the album, damaging the ancient paper pages. They were gone. We never found them, and it shouldn’t matter in the big picture, but it does. I’m 79 years old, and the photos I had loved for years were gone and irreplaceable. Now here I am at 6:00 a.m., grieving that fact. As tiny as that fact is in comparison to your fact, I am ashamed that I feel that way, and yet — here we are, as are so many others — grieving over acts large or small — imposed by others who build their power by trampling on others. May we all be healed someday — from pain acute or minor — but what possesses these others who inflict themselves on us? How can we forgive their meannesses — large or small?
What a baffling cruelty from your mother, whatever its intent. Betrayal by your mother makes the lost photos a large thing, I think. I feel for your loss of kindness and photos both. ❤️
Patricia, I am sorry to hear about your struggles with your mom. That is a difficult thing, especially coming from someone so close to you. I don't know if the size of the act has much to do with the grieving process or the emotions we feel. Any hurt, large or small, can prove to be an emotional roller coaster. I had to come to a place of understanding in myself that I have no control over others, only over me. So how do I want to live and respond to these things? It is a hard question but an important one.
Matthew, my heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is to write from the deepest space in our hearts and minds, the space that takes all the courage and bravery we can muster. I'm so glad you were able to finally tell your truth and have found love and support in that telling.
Pamela, thank you for the kind words and for walking this journey with me. I continue to be inspired by your words and photography, both of which remind me of the preciousness of life.
Matthew, this is a beautiful piece of writing, and I think you are incredibly brave to open up about such a terrible experience. It is heartbreaking that you felt unable to share this, even with the closest people to you, and I think that sharing your story might just make the difference to others who maybe feel isolated right now. I am glad that you opened up to your family and found the courage to deal with your trauma, and have found a space here amongst friends.
Kate, thanks so much for being one of those friends since the early days of writing. I really appreciate the kindness you have shown me and look forward to our continued journey together through the world of life and literature. All the best!
Matthew, I hope you discover that the innocent child you thought was taken from you was not taken at all but in deep hiding. It’s a privilege to be part of your community. Peace.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I think it's a beautiful piece of writing that captures the srruggle tobe vulnerable, and I hope you find it helpful to share your experience more widely.
Thank you. I appreciate those sentiments, and it means a great deal that you took the time to read and respond.
Matthew, I am glad to be your friend and hope you’re feeling lighter after sharing this truth-telling essay with your readers. The mental health benefits of unburdening yourself through writing have inspired a fascinating book by psychologist James Pennebaker. His research shows that people who write about their trauma fare better than those who keep it themselves. Published in 1997, the book is a classic and a wellspring for all writers carrying a painful secret. You’ll probably want your own copy, or you can read it free at the Internet Archive. https://archive.org/details/openinguphealing00penn
Rona, thank you so much. It has been a roller coaster of emotions throughout the day. I thought I was prepared, but life surprises us. It has been a good day, though, and I am grateful for my family and friends. I will definitely check out that book. Thanks for the recommendation.
You took a huge step with grace and courage. You touched many hearts. I don’t doubt it’s been quite a day. Kudos.
The best I've read in a long time. Thank you and God bless!
Joseph, thank you for reading and the words of kindness.
Dear Matthew,
Thank you. For the courage to write this and be here in this moment, today, with all of us. You are a survivor and now passing on your healing work. I’m not surprised that we connected as we have so much in common. I too, told my story publicly , which overlaps so much with yours, through art and writing. Like you, I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor.
Last night my husband said in testimony to dysfunction, abuse, and addiction indirectly impacting our life- “When the pain of denial outweighs the pain of the truth,people will change.”
And these words from your essay really jumped out at me-
“Something based on so many hidden truths can not possibly survive.”
Years before finally confronting my own abuse and toxic familial history/patterns I cut a Pearl Jam quote out of a magazine that read “Those who forget, will be destined to remember.”
Thanks again for your inspiring story.
Much love and healing,
Charlene
Charlene, I so appreciate your kind words and the connection we have made. This life of ours is an interesting journey. Today has been an emotional day but a good one as well. Thanks again and all the best.
My heart goes out to you, Matthew. As I read your beautifully written piece, I wanted to dive in and take young Matthew back home, to safety. You suffered this path alone for so long. I’m so pleased you finally told your lovely wife and family and also started the process of getting professional help. Your essay so poignantly relates how, as is often the case, you had to reach a crisis point for this to occur.
We have our strong sides and our vulnerable sides. I feel that your strong side will now let your vulnerable side slowly develop and allow you to experience the full richness of life. We are all here for you, as you continue this special journey.
Maureen, thank you so very much for the kindness and support you have shown me. Because of people like yourself, I reached a point in my journey where I felt comfortable sharing my story. We can not travel life alone easily. It is much better to have good people at your side.
You think the predators won't take an interest in oneself but they do! It's about power and control, not love and pleasure.
Thank you Jane for taking the time to read. It means a lot.
Thank you for sharing your story, Matthew. It takes so much courage. I’m happy for you that your healing has progressed far enough that you can tell us. I was also sexually abused, by my stepfather and stepbrother, and my mind hid the memories from me for a long time. But I always knew that something wasn’t right inside. I was ashamed and I didn’t know why. Since the truth emerged, I’ve been on a healing journey too. It’s not over and I feel like I’ll always be dealing with it to a degree. But it no longer defines me, and I no longer feel ashamed. As I realised that the shame is not mine to carry. I send love and light to you and your family as you process this together 💙
Thanks Amanda for reading and understanding the journey I am on. It will be a process for my whole life but I don't think that is a bad thing. I am looking forward to the continual self-discovery that I have set for my course. All the best.
Thank you for your bravery and your vulnerability Matthew. I’m sorry you carried this on your own for so long — the work of healing is a journey and much better to do it with company. ❤️
Kristine, thank you for reading and for the kindness of your words. Glad to have you here.
My word, Matt, this is mighty powerful. What an incredible journey to reach this point where the words are able to flow - so beautifully written about something so personal - and for them to be a part of the healing. Reading - and writing - is a way for all of us to learn, a chance to walk in other people’s shoes. This is the most important learning and I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to better understand the world - your world - through your eyes.
Barrie, my friend, thank you for the continual encouragement to share myself. It has been an amazing year since I started writing here and in my journals. I was at an inflection point where it was necessary to take the next bold step in order to keep growing and healing. So here I am. Thanks for being here with me and walking the journey with me for a little while.
With you for the long walk, my friend.
Matthew
Thank you for sharing some so personal and vulnerable with this community (who is fully supportive). You had alluded to trauma in some of your earlier posts and I speculated it was something like this. So sorry you had to experience this and how it impacted your life. But courage finds a way forward and I know you have enough to keep going and thrive.
Karen
Karen, thanks for reading and walking along with me on this journey. It is a supportive and wonderful community which has enabled me to feel comfortable letting my guard down. All the best, Matthew
Thank you. Today at 5:30 a.m., I was making the coffee. I had awakened, as I have done more than once, thinking about my relationship with my deceased mother. She had a quirk that I have never gotten over. If she knew I wanted something from my Grandmother’s history, she made sure I didn’t get it. I will never know why, and it will never matter that I don’t know, except that it does. One last indignity has bothered me then, and haunts me now. My mother called one day and asked me if there were any photos that I wanted from the Victorian album she was about to pass on to my sister. I should have known better, but I said yes, and described them to her. That was that, I didn’t think about it again until after she had died. Going through the album with my sister, I found that every one of the photos that I had told my mother about had been ripped from the album, damaging the ancient paper pages. They were gone. We never found them, and it shouldn’t matter in the big picture, but it does. I’m 79 years old, and the photos I had loved for years were gone and irreplaceable. Now here I am at 6:00 a.m., grieving that fact. As tiny as that fact is in comparison to your fact, I am ashamed that I feel that way, and yet — here we are, as are so many others — grieving over acts large or small — imposed by others who build their power by trampling on others. May we all be healed someday — from pain acute or minor — but what possesses these others who inflict themselves on us? How can we forgive their meannesses — large or small?
What a baffling cruelty from your mother, whatever its intent. Betrayal by your mother makes the lost photos a large thing, I think. I feel for your loss of kindness and photos both. ❤️
❤️
Patricia, I am sorry to hear about your struggles with your mom. That is a difficult thing, especially coming from someone so close to you. I don't know if the size of the act has much to do with the grieving process or the emotions we feel. Any hurt, large or small, can prove to be an emotional roller coaster. I had to come to a place of understanding in myself that I have no control over others, only over me. So how do I want to live and respond to these things? It is a hard question but an important one.
So . . . Control is what it’s all about. A mentor of mine (years ago) gave me a bit of advice that I have carried on for years:
“I can only control myself . . . On a good day . . . “
This put the onus back on what I could do rather than what others “do”.
Matthew, my heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is to write from the deepest space in our hearts and minds, the space that takes all the courage and bravery we can muster. I'm so glad you were able to finally tell your truth and have found love and support in that telling.
Pamela, thank you for the kind words and for walking this journey with me. I continue to be inspired by your words and photography, both of which remind me of the preciousness of life.
Matthew, A pleasure to be here walking this journey with you. Your work here also inspires me.
Matthew, this is a beautiful piece of writing, and I think you are incredibly brave to open up about such a terrible experience. It is heartbreaking that you felt unable to share this, even with the closest people to you, and I think that sharing your story might just make the difference to others who maybe feel isolated right now. I am glad that you opened up to your family and found the courage to deal with your trauma, and have found a space here amongst friends.
Kate, thanks so much for being one of those friends since the early days of writing. I really appreciate the kindness you have shown me and look forward to our continued journey together through the world of life and literature. All the best!
Beautifully and honestly expressed. I’m sorry this has been part of your story. And I’m grateful to you for telling it. Thank you, Matthew.
Thanks Isabel, grateful for your kind words.
Matthew, I hope you discover that the innocent child you thought was taken from you was not taken at all but in deep hiding. It’s a privilege to be part of your community. Peace.
Many thanks Tara. I am looking forward to the process of self-discovery or re-discovery as may be the case. All the best.
What a courageous and brilliant piece if writing.
Thanks Jon, I am glad to have you here. I appreciate your kind words.