Powerful writing, Matt. Huge respect for the journey you have been on and the generosity you are showing to others by sharing your story so they might learn from it.
Thank you Barrie. I sincerely appreciate the encouragement I have received from you and others. It makes the writing a little easier knowing there is a receptive audience.
Interesting. As a chronic overthinker and ruminator who struggles to relinquish control, I could probably benefit from Ryan Holiday's book! It's great that you managed to work through your own control issues. My daughter also just recommended Holiday's book 'The Daily Stoic' to me. Great post, Matthew.
Kate, I am a work in progress! Relinquishing control is challenging, but for those of us who struggle with this, I think the shift towards "what can I control?" is crucial. If I just went all willy-nilly and let go of everything it would probably be chaotic. Instead, I shifted my focus inward, and that has paid dividends. I have heard The Daily Stoic is really good as well. He has a number of books out but I have only read this one.
This article is wise and generous. The urge to control seems so normal and necessary from within that it is hard to notice and separate from the self. You light the way.
Tara, thanks for the kind words. As I age and (hopefully) get wiser I find so many lessons to share from life's experiences. We must live a well-examined life in order to share the things we discover with others but also to ensure we don't endlessly repeat the same mistakes. I still have a lot of work to do on my interior self but writing helps me to solidify my ideas so that I can share them while going through it. Thanks for being here on my journey.
Jayshree, I so appreciate you and your support. Thanks for reading and joining me on this journey of self-discovery. What value is there in hoarding all the riches for ourselves? Share it with the world I say!
Isabel - it was really good. It is broken up into a bunch of short chapters. I read a chapter each day and reflected on the lesson. It was a good daily practice. I know he has other books as well so I am going to seek out some of those since I enjoyed this one so much.
Noreen - you are very welcome, glad you enjoyed it. This was the first book of his that I have read. He has several others which I might have to check out now that I enjoyed this one so much.
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal reflection. Your journey of self-discovery and acceptance is truly inspiring. When I realized fear fueled my need for control, I learned (and still am) to surrender into the moment and see where it leads. Aristotle said, "He who has overcome his fears will truly be free." My goal now, something I have to remember every day, is to rest in the equilibrium space of my heart like a piece of metal between two magnets of equal strength. The metal remains stationary without being repelled or attracted. I try to release expectations and demands on how others should act, including myself, to fulfill my controlling needs and become that piece of metal.
Mary - thank you so much for reading and providing such a personal response. I love the metaphor you use to describe your goal. Maintaining this balance is really a foundation of mental wellness I believe. So glad to have you here.
As I read this, the fog also rolls through the fields which surround our home. I remember in 7th grade when my teacher asked us what our favorite season was. I chose the foggy days of fall. There is something mysterious about the fog, just as there is something mysterious within each of us. Thank you for bringing more clarity to my life by your writing.
I come from a lineage of somewhat strong ocd. The most severe was an aunt I never knew who sadly died alone a few years ago and wasn't found for a few weeks. She mostly hurt herself by alienating everyone who tried to love her. My dad recognized it early on and partly left my birth country over it. Control is tied in with ocd, which we all contain in varying degrees.
This is a great read and I'm glad to have found you this morning. We have to learn the hard way to let go and let. My faith has always been my guide in discerning what is mine to work on (plenty!) and what is not mine. It's a beautiful thing to improve ourselves and let others do what they need to do (or not).
Deborah, thank you for this thoughtful and kind comment. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Yesterday was my wedding anniversary, so I wasn't online much.
I agree with you about the OCD factor. We all have it to some degree, and it is very closely related to control. It is hard to let go of things and refocus that energy where it can be better used. Most of us don't want to relinquish control! But the fallacy is that many of those external things we don't really control—we only think we do. And so our exertions are futile. Doing the inner work to understand ourselves is far more valuable.
I'm glad to have you here, and I genuinely appreciate you joining the conversation.
The Obstacle is the Way is one of a handful of books that have had the most impact on me. It introduced me to Stoicism, and learning about Stoicism helped me understand my father, who was a Stoic (although I didn't know enough to describe him as such when he was alive). Focusing on what I can control is one of the guideposts I live by - which is something I definitely did not do before I read that book 😊
Lou, I really enjoyed it as well and it is the first book I have read on Stoicism. I am definitely intrigued and want to learn more so I am looking for ways to incorporate some more books into my always full reading plan! Glad that this book resonated with you as it did with me.
Thank you for sharing! I too experienced trauma in my teens thats propelled me into needing to control everything in my life. I then saw how that turned into full blown anxiety and started to impact those around (and most important to) me.
Sorry for the delayed response. I somehow missed your comment the first time around. I appreciate you sharing your experience. It is interesting to me how the trauma itself can end up controlling us until we can work our way through it. I hope that your path allows you to let go of that need for control so you can find the freedom needed to be your true self. All the best!
Matthew, such a thoughtful and insightful personal reflection on control and vulnerability. It can be so difficult to relinquish control. However, as you point out, being vulnerable is a necessary condition for connecting with others in a deep and meaningful way. Furthermore, we can all work on being more aware of what’s actually in our control and what isn’t. I love Holiday’s books, and I really enjoyed this post. Thank you!
Jacob, thank you for reading. It is interesting to me that when I started writing my idea was that I would write book reviews and insightful, erudite posts about my reading journey. What has happened instead is a deeper look inside myself for more meaningful and relevant things to share. Vulnerability is the key here in my mind to connecting with others and being authentic.
Powerful writing, Matt. Huge respect for the journey you have been on and the generosity you are showing to others by sharing your story so they might learn from it.
Thank you Barrie. I sincerely appreciate the encouragement I have received from you and others. It makes the writing a little easier knowing there is a receptive audience.
Interesting. As a chronic overthinker and ruminator who struggles to relinquish control, I could probably benefit from Ryan Holiday's book! It's great that you managed to work through your own control issues. My daughter also just recommended Holiday's book 'The Daily Stoic' to me. Great post, Matthew.
Kate, I am a work in progress! Relinquishing control is challenging, but for those of us who struggle with this, I think the shift towards "what can I control?" is crucial. If I just went all willy-nilly and let go of everything it would probably be chaotic. Instead, I shifted my focus inward, and that has paid dividends. I have heard The Daily Stoic is really good as well. He has a number of books out but I have only read this one.
Thank you, Matthew! The words really resonated. From my experiences, I’ve found letting go of control is both hard and freeing.
Priya, there is an interesting duality there. Often, the hardest things to accomplish have the most benefits. Glad this resonated with you.
This article is wise and generous. The urge to control seems so normal and necessary from within that it is hard to notice and separate from the self. You light the way.
Tara, thanks for the kind words. As I age and (hopefully) get wiser I find so many lessons to share from life's experiences. We must live a well-examined life in order to share the things we discover with others but also to ensure we don't endlessly repeat the same mistakes. I still have a lot of work to do on my interior self but writing helps me to solidify my ideas so that I can share them while going through it. Thanks for being here on my journey.
Well-written, Matthew! I like the approach you have taken in drawing lessons for others.
Jayshree, I so appreciate you and your support. Thanks for reading and joining me on this journey of self-discovery. What value is there in hoarding all the riches for ourselves? Share it with the world I say!
Agreed!
No obstacle no creation.
I agree with that sentiment Richard. Thanks for reading.
I’ve been wanting to read his book. Thank you!
Isabel - it was really good. It is broken up into a bunch of short chapters. I read a chapter each day and reflected on the lesson. It was a good daily practice. I know he has other books as well so I am going to seek out some of those since I enjoyed this one so much.
As a recovering control freak, I resonated a lot with this piece, Matthew. Thank you for sharing.
Ha! I love that title - Recovering Control Freak! I resonate with that as well. Glad you enjoyed the article.
Lovely piece Matthew, thank you. Thanks for the book recommendation as well.
Noreen - you are very welcome, glad you enjoyed it. This was the first book of his that I have read. He has several others which I might have to check out now that I enjoyed this one so much.
Thank you for the beautifully written suggestions for relaxing into the uncontrollable. The book an excellent read, thank you!
Jenn, I am so glad this resonated with you. It was a really good read and helped me think through a number of hard topics in my life. All the best!
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal reflection. Your journey of self-discovery and acceptance is truly inspiring. When I realized fear fueled my need for control, I learned (and still am) to surrender into the moment and see where it leads. Aristotle said, "He who has overcome his fears will truly be free." My goal now, something I have to remember every day, is to rest in the equilibrium space of my heart like a piece of metal between two magnets of equal strength. The metal remains stationary without being repelled or attracted. I try to release expectations and demands on how others should act, including myself, to fulfill my controlling needs and become that piece of metal.
I like this metaphor. There is something in it of strength and something of just letting-be.
Mary - thank you so much for reading and providing such a personal response. I love the metaphor you use to describe your goal. Maintaining this balance is really a foundation of mental wellness I believe. So glad to have you here.
Thank you, Matthew. So happy to be here!
As I read this, the fog also rolls through the fields which surround our home. I remember in 7th grade when my teacher asked us what our favorite season was. I chose the foggy days of fall. There is something mysterious about the fog, just as there is something mysterious within each of us. Thank you for bringing more clarity to my life by your writing.
Fall is my favorite season as well and the fog is such a wonderous creature. Glad this resonated with you Mom.
I come from a lineage of somewhat strong ocd. The most severe was an aunt I never knew who sadly died alone a few years ago and wasn't found for a few weeks. She mostly hurt herself by alienating everyone who tried to love her. My dad recognized it early on and partly left my birth country over it. Control is tied in with ocd, which we all contain in varying degrees.
This is a great read and I'm glad to have found you this morning. We have to learn the hard way to let go and let. My faith has always been my guide in discerning what is mine to work on (plenty!) and what is not mine. It's a beautiful thing to improve ourselves and let others do what they need to do (or not).
Have a great weekend!
Deborah, thank you for this thoughtful and kind comment. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Yesterday was my wedding anniversary, so I wasn't online much.
I agree with you about the OCD factor. We all have it to some degree, and it is very closely related to control. It is hard to let go of things and refocus that energy where it can be better used. Most of us don't want to relinquish control! But the fallacy is that many of those external things we don't really control—we only think we do. And so our exertions are futile. Doing the inner work to understand ourselves is far more valuable.
I'm glad to have you here, and I genuinely appreciate you joining the conversation.
Thank you Matthew. The inner work is truly everything. I am so grateful to be here, and here. ox
The Obstacle is the Way is one of a handful of books that have had the most impact on me. It introduced me to Stoicism, and learning about Stoicism helped me understand my father, who was a Stoic (although I didn't know enough to describe him as such when he was alive). Focusing on what I can control is one of the guideposts I live by - which is something I definitely did not do before I read that book 😊
Lou, I really enjoyed it as well and it is the first book I have read on Stoicism. I am definitely intrigued and want to learn more so I am looking for ways to incorporate some more books into my always full reading plan! Glad that this book resonated with you as it did with me.
Thank you for sharing! I too experienced trauma in my teens thats propelled me into needing to control everything in my life. I then saw how that turned into full blown anxiety and started to impact those around (and most important to) me.
Sorry for the delayed response. I somehow missed your comment the first time around. I appreciate you sharing your experience. It is interesting to me how the trauma itself can end up controlling us until we can work our way through it. I hope that your path allows you to let go of that need for control so you can find the freedom needed to be your true self. All the best!
All good & all the best to you!
Matthew, such a thoughtful and insightful personal reflection on control and vulnerability. It can be so difficult to relinquish control. However, as you point out, being vulnerable is a necessary condition for connecting with others in a deep and meaningful way. Furthermore, we can all work on being more aware of what’s actually in our control and what isn’t. I love Holiday’s books, and I really enjoyed this post. Thank you!
Jacob, thank you for reading. It is interesting to me that when I started writing my idea was that I would write book reviews and insightful, erudite posts about my reading journey. What has happened instead is a deeper look inside myself for more meaningful and relevant things to share. Vulnerability is the key here in my mind to connecting with others and being authentic.