The Fog
Reflections on those things within my control
Welcome to Beyond the Bookshelf, a community of readers and writers exploring the connections between life, literature, and stories - wherever we find them. My name is Matthew and I will guide you on this adventure through the stories of our lives.
Dear Reader,
The early hours of the morning are quiet. Alone with my thoughts, I look out the window at the still, sleeping world. The fog clings to the ground in an attempt to avoid its nemesis, slowly peeking above the eastern horizon. Hanging in the heavens, a solitary star bears witness - its companion, the moon, shy behind a veil.
Nearby, the ethereal creature creeps along the earth, leaving a damp trail as the only remnant of its passing. It lingers ever-present yet slightly out of reach. In the distance, it is bolder, an opaque beast refusing to give up its secrets.
These early hours are of magical and unperceived things. Worlds exist at the edges, briefly meeting as darkness becomes light and night becomes day. What mysteries the fog contains become unknowable, for it slinks away as the sun is born upon the morning and stands its watch upon the sky.
Clarity comes to me in that space—at the edge of night and day. The mysterious forces at work illuminate my mind, and for a moment, I comprehend creation. In an instant, the sun’s brilliance washes everything away, and I go about my day.
“In life our first job is this, to divide and distinguish things into two categories: externals I cannot control, but the choices I make with regard to them I do control. Where will I find good and bad? In me, in my choices.” - Epictetus
The trauma I experienced in my teens destroyed any sense of control I had in my life. To protect myself, I overcompensated by attempting to control everything that happened to and around me. I tried to project an identity of contentment while, in reality, I was dead inside. It is impossible to control everything without losing control of our interior selves. Over time, I became a complicated person to live with. My need to maintain my environment impacted my wife, children, coworkers, and everyone around me. The root of all this was a fear of losing control and finding myself in another vulnerable situation. However, vulnerability is essential for authentic connection to develop in relationships. It wasn’t until I faced my trauma and openly discussed it with my wife that my mind was freed from the self-imposed prison of control. Only then could healing begin.
Previously, I wrote about my Best Version Ethos and how I incorporate change into my life to give the best version of myself to the world. Being a lifelong learner is one part of that process, and recently, I read Ryan Holiday's The Obstacle is the Way. Holiday has made something of a name for himself in recent years by presenting Stoicism to a new generation of readers through modern interpretations of the writings of Marcus Aurelius and others. Stoicism is a school of philosophy founded in Greece and practiced throughout the Greek and Roman empires. It teaches that virtue is the only good and that by practicing the four virtues: wisdom, courage, moderation, and justice, an individual can have a well-lived life. Stoicism is closely related to logic and ethics and has been followed by many famous leaders and thinkers.1
This particular book focuses on turning trials in our lives into victory - the thing that was blocking our path becomes the means by which we find success. In my life, the obstacle was control. I attempted to control everything I could due to a fear of losing control and being retraumatized. Once I became aware of this, I began slowly relinquishing control of external matters and focusing on those things firmly within my control, which, according to Holiday, are our emotions, judgments, creativity, attitude, perspective, desires, decisions, and determination. So, while I cannot control the world around me, I can control my response to it.
Focusing internally empowers me in ways I never imagined. I don’t need to exert an external influence on something to have an impact on it. I affect things within my control when I choose how to respond to an external situation. Interestingly, that form of self-control can positively impact my environment as others in my radius observe my response and react accordingly. My control over my actions can influence how others control their actions. While there is still the chance they might respond poorly, that isn’t something I should attempt to control because it isn’t within my ability.
In his Manual for Living, the Stoic philosopher Epictetus wrote, “Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not.” Through all the years that I attempted to control my environment, I did so with the idea that maintaining control would allow me to be happy because I couldn't be hurt as long as I was in control. Although evident to me now, this fallacy created an entire period in my life that was lost to pain. However, with the knowledge I have gained, I am aware I cannot change the past, so my focus is on the here and now.
The earth’s rotation, the cycle of day and night, and the coming and going of fog are all things beyond my control. However, I can be present in those early hours to bear witness to the magic, make note of it, and allow my mind to be filled with wonder. As each day passes, the fog of the past dissipates a little more and I find clarity in my life. The sun has breached the horizon - a new day dawns.
Until next time…
If you enjoyed this article, then I also recommend:
- hosts as he explains how an obstacle opened the door to a new path in his career. Obstacle Blessings in Writing - and Life.
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Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal reflection. Your journey of self-discovery and acceptance is truly inspiring. When I realized fear fueled my need for control, I learned (and still am) to surrender into the moment and see where it leads. Aristotle said, "He who has overcome his fears will truly be free." My goal now, something I have to remember every day, is to rest in the equilibrium space of my heart like a piece of metal between two magnets of equal strength. The metal remains stationary without being repelled or attracted. I try to release expectations and demands on how others should act, including myself, to fulfill my controlling needs and become that piece of metal.
Interesting. As a chronic overthinker and ruminator who struggles to relinquish control, I could probably benefit from Ryan Holiday's book! It's great that you managed to work through your own control issues. My daughter also just recommended Holiday's book 'The Daily Stoic' to me. Great post, Matthew.